boxes.

surrounded by more boxes. overwhelmed by the choices - change is beginning to feel familiar.

and i am moving to chicago.

it seems like just yesterday i was leaving dc for texas.
but once again the boxes are being packed up & the possessions divided up - what will make the cut? which items will be traversing cross country packed into a SUV along with my parents & oldest friend?

so far books, pens, scarves & blankets are in cardboard boxes alongside plates & T-shirts. the essentials as far as i'm concerned.

i unpack & i repack. i throw away & i obtain.

my parents recently bought a house which means i have a permanent place to lay my head. pictures have been hung, books placed on the shelves (old friends that bring comfort) & the junk boxes of odds & ends are even finding a place.
along with the unpacking has begun the packing.
what should i take to chicago? the question is hardest to answer when i'm not even sure how long i'll be there or where the next year may take me.

then there is the gratification of throwing away unnecessary objects.
i learned one thing for sure in DC - stuff is not necessary.
that sentence demands an explanation.
what i mean is, i got by living in DC on what some would call "the bare necessities" and while at times this was inconvenient, it was also liberating. i am now attempting to find the happy medium. the idea is that if i have owned something for more than a year and haven't used it, then some happy family at goodwill will probably enjoy it more than myself.

obtaining also must occur. after all, i don't own clothing suited to the northwest.

in between all of this analyzation of possessions time must be made for friends.

if there is one thing that home can always deliver it is friends. friends who know you inside out. all the corners, cracks, downfalls & quirks. ah, comfort & familiarity. we pick off right where we left off. late nights have occurred, plans have been made & many meals have been eaten.

texas has been... home.
it is home. at least, it's a part of home.
which is confusing because i often find myself seeing dc on television & mentally/verbally referring to it as home.
the question begs, where or what is home?

that question can't be answered as of yet or perhaps never will be.

the second question that must be answered is - how will a texan survive the chicago weather?
i'm beginning to doubt it's possible. but i'll keep you updated.

so i'm embarking on yet another adventure to a foreign land with complete strangers. i'll be expanding my education at northwestern university & in about a year i'll have a masters degree in journalism.

pfsh.
that makes me sound so very grown up.
but the last thing i feel right now is grown up.
instead i feel a little frightened, homesick & tired.

but this is one of those "suck it up, buttercup" moments (thanks clarissa). so it's time to put on my big girl pants & say "see you later" once again.

texas, you'll always be number 1 in my heart.

bittersweet.

it's my last day in DC.

i wish i had a journal entry from the day that i left for DC - but alas, i do not. journal entries are a bit more reliable than blogs as they tend to show the exact feelings without a front of bravery.

how do i feel?

well, i guess it's time for another adventure.

but first, let's focus on this last one.
i'm saying good-bye. i've already said a few of my good-byes to the coffee shop regulars, to my fellow baristas and those at church. i've even said good-bye to my best friend.

oh. i don't like that word "good-bye," it definite & nothing is definite.
instead, it's more like "see you later."

tonight my room mate's are throwing a going away/birthday party. that's right. i requested we have a birthday party since i won't be here for anyone's birthday (alas, we are all spring/summer babies). it's my room mates i'm going to miss the most.
when you're thrown into a house with complete strangers and forced to figure out how to live together without killing each other & keeping the house clean - it makes for a strong friendship.

obviously, we get mad at each other. we feel left out. we feel alone. we feel annoyed when someone wakes us up from deep sleep because every single corner of this house creaks.
but we also share in each other's pain, laughter, stories, love lives, etc.
one of my favorite memories is when i was going through a difficult time & every single room mate was home (a miraculous event). we sat on the couch eating the necessary staple of chips & salsa & watched bravo. it was like a wall of comfort surrounded me by the presence of those four people.

the best part? we all are incredibly different (we even look different). with an actor, a pastor, a non-profit worker, a bartender & a barista - we really should've had our own reality tv show.

i told a friend the other day that there are three things that i've learned from moving so much:
1. it's possible to keep in touch. whether it's via email or phone, friendships can last long distance.
2. the world is smaller than we realize.
3. if it's supposed to happen, it'll happen.

i've learned so much here. unfortunately, it's all too much to process at this point in time (seeing as how i'm due in georgetown for a lunch date & there's a pile of clothes to pack in my room) but perhaps a blog will follow soon. after all, i wasn't sure why i was supposed to come to DC & only time can tell me why.

the bittersweetness of this weekend is overwhelming.
i'm going home to my family, old friends, books, bed, pets, the whole 9 yards. but i'm leaving the streets of DC & the friends who have become a family. texas will always hold the largest part of my heart, but DC has also claimed it's own territory.

thankfully,
i move. a lot. so i'll be back (i promise).

traditons.

today i discovered something grand.

i am growing up.

actually,

it all began because someone told me i was growing up.

there's nothing better than someone saying, "oh! you're growing up!"

this exclamation came about after i informed my fellow barista that i was spending my first thanksgiving (my first holiday) away from home. and he's right - it is a sign of growing up when you don't go home for a holiday. it's a slightly scary, overwhelming & sad feeling that comes with this realization. no longer can you rely on the traditional dishes surrounded by your family's faces. there's no familiarity or comfort. there's newness (if that is a word). new traditions, new faces, new dishes, new movies to watch. it's all so new.

and therefore, it's another adventure.

thankfully, thanksgiving has never been traditional in my family. (there were a lot of long "t" words in that last sentence). instead, thanksgiving has always been more of a hodgepodge of backgrounds.

being a pastor's kid means strangers share your holiday table with you. if my parents meet someone at a gas station who doesn't have a place to go - they are immediately invited to our house (this has never actually occurred but seriously could). this tradition has translated over to the daughters & we find ourselves also making sure that strangers have a place to eat (note: northerners find this large amount of hospitality a bit overwhelming & frightening. you often have to persuade them you do not want to steal their valuables or con their grandmother out of her money).

this year, i'm the one searching for a table.

luckily for me, my best friend resides just a bus ride, one metro train & another bus away. familiar faces will be surrounding the DC thanksgiving table.

and for that,

i am thankful.

perhaps new traditions will result. i know for a fact that new dishes will be tasted. of course, movies will be watched. but don't worry - photos will be taken, a blog will be written & you will once again know perhaps a little bit more than you wanted to about brianna's life.

yes, i did just refer to myself in the third person.

i have tomorrow off (first day in a very, very long time) so the freedom is going a bit to my head (hence the late hour & the fact that i'm watching an episode of "my boys" i've seen before just to prepare myself for chicago).

love to all.

and to all a happy thanksgiving week.

neighborhood.

a period of transition has begun...

it's been a while since i've updated but at times it isn't possible to translate thoughts & ideas into words. i know, rather ironic since i hope to be a journalist.

unfortunately, this isn't the kind of blog that consists of "well, today i did this! and tomorrow i'm going to see that!" - though sometimes i wish it did. but that would be a rather boring blog, because i don't really do that many touristy things... so instead you're stuck with my rather emo-ish musings.

so here we are.
the ticket is bought (i return to tx on december 12). soon i will begin packing. my mind is slowly turning that corner from becoming acquainted to getting ready to say goodbye. a sharp corner that i'm barely able to make, the idea of leaving when it seems like i just got here.

of course, the idea of distancing myself crosses my mind. it seems ideal. the goodbyes won't be so hard if i slowly begin to withdraw within my shell. (we all have our defensive mechanisms, correct?) but once again, that's not truly living, that's being afraid.

i've always been somewhat of a nomad so saying goodbye has become a part of my essence. some people are good at crosswords, i'm good at leaving (i didn't say it was a skill i could list on my resume).

when i was a camp counselor i had to say goodbye to people who had changed from strangers into family. they had been my world for 3 months & i didn't want that numb feeling that i usually get when i say goodbye. i prayed & prayed that i'd cry, that i'd hurt, when i said goodbye that summer. & i did.
there are some emotions a person should feel.

i'm praying once again for no numbness.

the fear of having to say goodbye should never stop a person from making friendships.

i am in limbo - getting ready to leave but still having time left. it's a strange place to be. soon i'll be going home for just a few weeks to people i know so well before i embark on an adventure to a city where i don't know a single soul. interesting. that's about all that can be said- interesting.

let me tell you a bit about my life here before we focus too much on the future.

i live on a friendly street.
one of my happiest moments is when i sit on the front porch & watch this little world walk by. kids attempt to fit as many of their friends as possible on their bikes - one on the handlebars, the lucky owner on the seat with one usually propped on the back. women walk with arms laden with grocery bags from the neighborhood safeway. a game of football occurs in the middle of the street, scattering whenever a car is heard approaching. front porches are sat on, conversations are had & everyone comes & goes.

with the cooler weather approaching, the street has started to quiet down. now only occasional conversations are snatched when the weather decides to give us a break from the cool rain. one of our neighbors, cheryl, is heard yelling for her cat, yasmin, from the front porch. she recently bought yasmin & herself matching snuggies so they can watch television & eat a snack without getting cold. hellos are said although names may not be known. car doors are slammed as kids are returned home from school.

some mornings i begin work at 8am, others at 6:30am. this means catching the bus at 6am, before the sun has risen & when the world isn't sure if it's waking up or sleeping in.

i've become friends with one of the women who catches the 6am bus - we discuss weather & the idea of calling in sick to work one day. she works at a daycare & is afraid she'll catch one of the many sicknesses the kids are always bringing in. i'm just tired of serving coffee all day long (i'd say she has it worse).

the coffee shop itself is a kind of neighborhood.

every morning the same friendly faces come in. i know their names, where they work, what kind of coffee they like & whether they drink it black or need room for cream & sugar.

we discuss the news, the weather, our weekends, the need for caffeine & anything else that might come up in those 10 minutes when we take a break from work just to chat.

most of our regulars live in the neighborhood which means i see them when i go to union station, when i walk home, on the bus, in the restaurants nearby, even on their morning runs. often i have to venture outside of capitol hill, but even then i've seen someone i recognize. for such a large city, d.c. will always seem like a small town.

but then again, for such a large world, i always seem to be running into familiar faces.

every day seems to bring a new person to meet, a new story to hear, a name to memorize. if there is one thing i have learned, it's how to be friendly.

it's funny, i had to leave the south to learn this lesson... but then again, it's when we're dragged out of our comfort zones that we finally have to face the hard parts of life. which is why chicago will be even harder than d.c. & probably contain even greater lessons.

this place feels like home.
which is why it'll be so hard to go.

i'll make my own way in the wide world
just know i don't want to wander too far.
- hideaway, the weepies

people.

this morning i saw the epitome of community.

a homeless man gave his spare change to another homeless man.

i seriously had tears in my eyes as i walked through union station - now that, was a sacrifice. but they both gave and received with smiles on their faces. ah. if only we could all be like that.

the leaves are changing. the wind is crisp. we have pumpkin muffins at the coffee shop and i'm wearing my winter boots.

hello fall.

and hello chicago.

or at least, "see you soon" because tomorrow i'll be landing in the windy city to begin my own whirlwind tour of the city. never been there but might be moving there soon.

but what i'm reallllllyyy excited about - seeing my parents.

the people who have to love me. the people who actually know me and don't make assumptions based on outward appearance, age, etc. the people who will always believe in me. oh yes, there is nothing like family.

not having an internship means i have much more free time which doesn't translate into writing more as i had expected - instead, i spend time with people. which. is. awesome.

i love people. which can be unfortunate at times because not all people love me. i'm like the friendly puppy who can be so overly eager that i get kicked in the ribs and retreat to my corner to whimper. yes, i just described myself as annoying and i'm okay with that.

but i never realized til lately how much i actually love people. they are beautiful.

here we are, all so different and yet so alike.

that's why i want to be a journalist - because i want to take those similarities and throw them under a spotlight and a gazillion brightly shining signs and say "look world! we can love each other! look! we have so much in common!"

sure - it's hard to love people at times. scratch that - it's hard to like people at times. but i always love them. because at the end of the day, i'd rather love than not. i'd rather be your friend than your acquaintance.

i just.... i just think it's possible for everyone to be friends.

i just believe in love.

there`s nothing wrong with me

it`s just that i believe things could get better

and there`s nothing wrong with love
i think it`s just enough to believe

rescue is coming

and there`s nothing wrong with you
and nothing left to do
but believe something bigger
and there`s nothing wrong with love
i know it`s just enough to believe

success.

i cleaned out another desk this week.

i've got it down to a science - remove all papers, recycle, neatly order office supplies, clean all files off computer, email all appropriate people to tell of the change, wave goodbye and walk away.

i ended my internship at NPR.
it sounds like a crazy idea. here i am, an aspiring journalist, and i just turned down one of the greatest career moves i have had so far. yes, i left.

why, you ask?

well, exhaustion and the knowledge that what i do should not define who i am.
i've always been a hard worker, working two jobs if able and thriving off a packed schedule.
that changes this week.

it all depends on how you define success. i've always believed achieving happiness is the best kind of success and i'm afraid that if i don't chase happiness right now then my future life might become defined by a substantial paycheck combined with long hours.
i'd rather have wrinkles from laughter than from frowning at a computer screen. i'd rather lose sleep because i spent the night laughing with a friend rather than working through the night. i want to remain focused on my goal - a fulfilled life. i'd rather watch a sunset than sit at a desk.

i'm not taking a step away from my ambition. oh no, writing is what i love and it is what i will do even if it has to be in secret journals hidden in the back of closets that no one will ever read. i will continue to chase my dreams, but i will do it without the lack of sleep and the loss of hair. i will do it on my own terms making sure that i live life much more than i work.

i live in a city where what you do defines who you are. the idea that i do not have anything to define me throws me into a sort of limbo. perhaps it's time for something else to define me besides my work. i find the idea of one part of my personality, one single word becoming a definition of who i am to be incredibly limited.

a sixty hour work week is possible, but it is not enjoyable and it is not healthy.
so i made a hard decision and decided that while the internship with NPR was great - perhaps it was not ideal for me at this moment. fortunately, leaving the internship does not mean that i take on the life of a vagabond, no, i'll continue working almost 40 hours a week at the coffee shop and will spend my extra time learning the best way possible - through living, reading and discussion. oh yes, experience is the best teacher.

soon these dark circles under my eyes will disappear and i won't fall asleep in movies. i can spend extra time with my room mates and friends or exploring this great city before i move away.

it was a difficult decision. you're probably still questioning my sanity.

but if there is one thing that i have learned throughout this course of life - you have to listen to your heart. and once you do, you cannot regret but have to continue stumbling through life with the best intentions and often the greatest foul-ups.

i've made the right decision this time.

love to all.

"they say you're really not somebody - until somebody else loves you."

ramblings.

it's been a while since i've last written so this post will consist mostly of "catching up."
my computer decided to end our relationship the day after i moved here so trying to find a computer to borrow has put a dint in my writing.

i'm quite sure that only my parents read my posts and they already know everything due to our daily phone calls... but just in case a straggler wanders in - i'll commence with a quick summary.

so grab a cup of tea and a comfortable chair and let's go.

i ended an internship with a congresswoman last wednesday. i had been there for three weeks doing the usual internship type jobs. writing letters, articles, editing, surfing the internet, press clips, talking to angry constituents, etc. it was completely worth it though a rather short stint of three weeks. but there's nothing like waking up in the morning and walking into the house of representatives office building to make you really feel like you're in DC.

i've always been interested in politics since i was a little girl and considered entering the field. while other girls dreamed about becoming ballerinas, i dreamed of being an ambassador (don't let that fool you - i also wanted to be a veterinarian, like every other little girl).

so the opportunity to do an internship on the Hill was amazing. of course, i also learned that... i'm not like politicans. at all. no offense to them, but there is a certain type of personality that tends to dominate Capitol Hill and i tended to feel like a brightly colored fish out of water.

the end of my time on the Hill came with an internship offer from NPR. yes, the NPR. let's just say that i was thrilled to even interview and when i got the email saying i got the internship - i literally sat down on the street curb in shock. i then proceeded to call my mother in exuberance and even my sister as i did twirls in front of union station (while i may not have had ballerina aspirations - i still enjoy a good twirl).

the internship starts tomorrow. but i'm approaching this like i've been approaching everything lately, with reservations. i know, who has reservations about NPR? but i've determined that if it doesn't quite fit - then i'll quit and spend my free afternoons writing.

the afternoons would be free but my mornings will always be spent at ebenezers coffeeshop. every weekday morning i'm up before the sun, catching my bus to open up the shop that is right by union station and around the corner from CNN (hence, the visit by wolf blitzer). i love working there even though it goes against my nature to be awake that early. while i may be more used to going to sleep that early rather then waking up - i like a challenge.

i also like the regulars. and we have a lot. my current life has about as much consistency as the DC metro system (that's to say - none) and there's something about seeing familiar faces throughout the week that provides me a bit of stability. also, it allows for conversations, recognition and friendly smiles. ah - it's truly the little things in life.

i also moved. again.
i'm no longer crashing on mollie and emmie's chair (due to the lack of a couch) but now reside in the district in the basement of a house. the biggest improvement? a bed. yes, i haven't slept in a bed since i left texas and it really does make a difference. while i did get to snag an airbed every few nights - there is still nothing like the firmness of a mattress beneath you as you dream.

with an new house comes new room mates which translates into new conversations, introductions and exchanging of stories.
ah, if there is one thing DC is teaching me - it's how to make friends.
unfortunately, making friends isn't necessarily easy. sometimes you strike out, other times you find one somewhere you least expected.
making a friend is like trying to date someone. you hope they're as interested in you as you are in them. you hope that they won't reject you when you ask them to hang out. there's the fear of them not showing up to dinner, etc. etc. or perhaps i'm the only one who experiences these anxieties concerning friendships. i actually think dating might be easier than making a friend. but that might be because i'm shy.

yes, i am shy.

but i am becoming less shy. which is hard, in case you were wondering.

i'm also growing patience. this occurs when you have to wait at a bus stop for a bus that you're not even sure is coming. yes, even the metro can mean waiting for a train for about 15 minutes. it's happened and it'll happen again. i have a love/hate relationship with public transportation but it has enabled me to not think anything of a hour long trip that remains within one city. when i get back to texas - the roads will seem so much shorter.

i have my good days and my bad days. my good 5 minutes and my bad 5 minutes. i would think i was bipolar if i didn't know any better. instead, i'm just growing up and it hurts like the dickens.

so besides moving to a new house, attempting to figure out another bus route, getting an edgy haircut that causes double takes in mirrors, making new friends and starting a new internship - life in the district has been pretty normal. i'm even contemplating dying my hair red.

love you all.

falling.

i'm in love.

and i know it'll only end in heartbreak.

sigh.

what's a girl to do?

she feels herself slowly falling deeper and deeper. she wants to settle in, pull the love over her like a warm, knit blanket and snuggle up to her newest found obsession. but she can't. she knows that soon she'll be leaving and her lover and her will be separated for an unknown period of time (at least a year).

long distance won't work. they can't chat via phone or web cam, she would have to do all the visiting in the relationship and cheating is always possible.

and what if she leaves, and falls in love with someone new?

it would be a different kind of love but it would be love. she would still harbor feelings for her old flame, never quite able to cut the connection but still moving forward in life.

so hesitation sets in, a sick feeling in the stomach knowing that you can't stop the free fall that is beginning to occur.

i guess - i'm ready to settle down.

i'm falling in love with washington d.c. and it's refusing to return my phone calls because it knows i'm leaving in just a few months.

instead, it drops subtle hints. makes references to a future it knows i cannot promise myself to and other girls names are showing up on its caller id.

heartbreak.

pure and simple.

the nomad life is wearing on me and the idea of consistency is becoming appealing.

a home, a neighborhood, friends, plans, neighbors who know your name, favorite restaurants, traditions, all are within my reach.

one day.

and while i know i'll return to this city one day, (don't ask why, i just know) i know that i'll miss it while i am away. it makes this romance bittersweet but even that more special. it reminds me to savor the little moments and enjoy the glitter of it all.

but that's the thing about love - there's always a chance that it's a fleeting emotion. you know it can come and go any day and the other might not return your affection. there will be heartbreak at the end (if it does end) but the heartbreak is worth it for all the shining moments before.

and if we aren't able to fall in love now, who says we'll ever be able to stay in love?

rooftops.

my rooftop is a place of peace. here is where i retreat whenever i feel overwhelmed. whenever i question my sanity as to my recent move or become overwhelmed at the idea of my unemployment – whenever i begin to question who i am or who i’m becoming – i go to very top and survey the sky.

i watch as the sun sets and the lights on capitol hill begin to brighten the night sky. i can see the Washington monument’s blinking red lights warning off approaching planes. to my eyes, these lights become the eyes of a friendly monster who wishes a plane would venture close enough to become a tasty snack. i’m not quite sure how our leaders would feel about their precious mason stone tower being referred to as a monster, but i think ol’ george would smile at the idea.

sometimes i want to stand on the very corner of my roof and blow millions and millions of kisses to the city below. i believe this city could use a little bit more of love and i think even just the tiniest amount of goodness i send from my rooftop are felt by the tenderest of hearts below.

i’m lonely.

a rather silly statement if you consider the fact that i live with two of my best friends. but if there is one thing i have learned recently it’s this: i am not a loner. i need my alone time as much as others and have often been called a loner but - i desperately need people.

desperately.

i need to talk to them, learn from them, eat with them, laugh with them, whatever. i desire interaction. mollie says i can make friends with anyone but i am quick to remind her these are usually just friendly chats with cashiers or bus drivers – not lasting friendships. i’m finally beginning to realize how much we all need each other (could be because i’ve been reading “eat, pray, love”). i hate to use that word “community” (it has become cliché and overused) but there is nothing i desire more than a dinner table piled with food and even larger amounts of conversation.

all i know is – it’s completely possible to be surrounded by millions of people and feel completely alone.

not that loneliness is a bad thing. it’s something i have to get used to considering the fact that i’ll be moving to a city full of complete strangers very soon. so i try to embrace it. i invite loneliness out to lunch, let it snuggle with me in bed, even offer to split my smoothie with it. loneliness and i will become friends. isn’t it amusing how closely the words fiends and friends are related?

the funny thing is – i’ve always prided myself on how independent i am. i don’t let many people close. not only is this approach safer but with the nomad life i’ve chosen it’s the “best” direction. but now that i need this so-called strength… i have no desire for it.

megs told me that for someone who says she's completely honest - i'm not completely honest. so i attempt honesty. i open my heart just a crack to say this statement which shows a weakness i don't like to admit.

now i realize that it’s much braver to admit that i need you. and yes, you need me.

color.

my sister asked why i was emailing my resume to a certain person and i, being the smart aleck that i am, wanted to reply, "because word's been gettin' out around DC about how pretty my resume is. it's in high demand." then i realized something, could word be getting out about my resume? because if a person took an objective step back and surveyed "brianna mcclane's resume" they would find that - it's not your typical resume. and it is especially not the type of resume a person would be apt to find in DC.

and then i began to wonder, what does my resume say about me?

i know that if i picked it up i would immediately think, “i have no idea what qualifies this girl but her use of sans-serif font, the color turquoise and that handcrafted logo means i shall befriend/hire her. not only will we work together, but we will laugh, watch sitcoms and perhaps color coordinate our closets together.” (surely i’m not the only one who color coordinates her closet. it just makes everything so much easier).

of course, i am incredibly biased. a normal person could look at my resume and just say, “what?” perhaps sniff it to make sure i haven’t spritzed it with vanilla body spray (which i have actually debated doing) and then push it under the stack of professional resumes obviously done in microsoft word.

i’m not saying i’m better than these “word-ers” (as i enjoy calling them. or as i just decided to start calling them. whatever). no, i’m just saying – i’m not your typical resume.

of course, this could be partially due to the fact that i’m an overachiever and therefore must use design software to construct the list of my accomplishments and previous places of employment.

or perhaps it’s because we might as well make the world a beautiful place, one brightly colored resume at a time.

then the question begs – “am i the typical DCer?” (once again, these are not real words, i am constructing them out of air).

with my nose ring, medium rare steak preference, cowboy boot wearage, enough love for all political parties, distrust of slacks and, of course, my dependence on tony chachere’s cajun seasoning, i would again say - no.

but my how i do love this city. with the politics, sharp suits, clean metros, friendly bus drivers, obsession with front porch gardens, right-side standing on escalators and the blisters that are becoming a part of my very feet – i love it all.

perhaps that’s what so beautiful about DC – the mixture of people. the majority of us are from out-of-state if not out-of-country. but once we converge into this center of government, we all have something in common. even if it is just brunch.

and with that dear friends, i’ll end by saying…my resume probably is getting talked about (or i hope someone's at least looking at it).

texas.

i usually drive fast.

but tonight - i drive slow. five miles under the speed limit, the window open, the radio off - just the sounds of the passing cars and the wind. the air is pregnant with the promise of rain. it won't deliver. it's been hinting at liquid refreshment for a week now but all that has shown are a few drops and the strike of lightening. it rains everywhere but plano.

late night drives clear my head. of course, it's difficult to find a good place to drive in the suburbs, which is one of the reasons i'll always be a small-town texas girl.

as i drive, i remember other late night drives. i remember heartbreak. my first kiss. campfires. tire swings and creeks, the smell of horses and endless roads all alone. rocks thrown at a bedroom window and early morning walks with best friends.

i'm leaving texas.

i've left before but i've always come back.
this will be the first step for me. i don't think a lot of people realize this - but this is it. this is when i finally move away and when i come back, i won't be coming back to live but to visit. it's time to play grownup complete with learning how to change a tire (of course, i won't have a car for a couple of years so i really can wait).

there are people who don't like texas and search for an exit as soon as possible. there are others that don't understand texan pride and our obsession with our own state. but i'll always love this place. i'll always be the little girl riding a horse up a mountain knowing you have to lean forward. i'll always be the girl who fell in a creek and laughed even in front of her new boyfriend. the girl who would pet a goat over a cat any day, who butters her tortillas as an afternoon snack and wears her grandmother's beaten up cowboy boots whenever possible.

i'm not saying texas is better than other places. i think every place is glorious in its own way.
i'm just saying that there aren't many places you can go where a person feels the inclination to include a complete stranger in a conversation. how many times have you gone to a restaurant, a movie, a grocery store, and a complete stranger has leaned over and joked about something with you? we're the only ones of our kind who admit to and accept eavesdropping.

i'll miss you, texas.

this isn't goodbye, texas, this is just "see you later."

leaving.

i might throw up.

i'm moving.
the boxes are being packed, unpacked and repacked.
it's an incredibly complicated process.

on the 21st of july around 9 a.m. central time i will be saying goodbye to the dallas skyline until the month of december. i will be flying out of my beloved dfw on a one-way ticket to a little place i enjoy calling "the district."

there, around 6 p.m. eastern time, i will be greeted by my best friend at a baggage claim where we will claim two large suitcases which will then be routed directly to the metro and onto a comfy apartment in arlington.

yes, i am moving.

you ask, "brianna, you're crazy. you said you were staying."
as any good reporter knows, don't put anything in print unless you know for certain. which is why we thank God for the internet where no ink has to dry and our mistakes can be seen
faster.

staying didn't feel right. dallas didn't feel right. the sun seemed hotter, the asphalt brighter and the air dirtier.

dc just feels right. it felt right in january. and it felt right in july. and it'll feel right until it's time for chicago which also feels right. i'm feeling a lot right now.

i don't have a job. i don't have an internship. i have a small bank account and a couple of credit cards in case of emergency. this is me - leaping. either rocks or waves will be at the end of my jump, here's hoping to waves.
i've applied to a couple of internships that i would love love love to do. of course, only fate can tell me if i am meant to do this. if not, then there will always be something else. i learned to follow my instinct a long time ago and it hasn't let me down yet.
i'm still scared. and sad. and lonely. and excited. and thrilled. and expectant. and second-guessing. it wouldn't be an adventure, it wouldn't be life, without these emotions.

i am strong enough for this. that's one thing i forget. what i've accomplished, overcome and survived. we all need to cut ourselves a little slack.

so here's to hoping for the best. praying for the future. believing in oneself. and having supportive loved ones.

please send thoughts, hopes, prayer, well-wishes or any other amount of positive karma or extra currency my way.

"yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done for you. now you do it on your own but you find you're all alone, what can you do? ...but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself." - the weepies

strangers.

oh hello there.
i am currently sitting in the dimness of a basement apartment in dc. the room is quite and cool with only the sounds of passing cars, upstairs footsteps and snoring of the dog with mollie asleep only a few feet away.

well,
this almost didn't happen.
i almost didn't make it to the grand ol' district. but here i am thanks to the kindness of a few strangers and the encouragement of good friends. while it looked like i might not have a place to stay on my trip - it all worked out when a call was placed and i found myself the temporary tenant of an apartment with two strangers. oh yes, strangers. i love strangers. there's nothing better than strangers. sometimes, strangers are better than friends and they are usually much better than acquaintances.

anywho,
late wednesday night i proceeded to drag my luggage out of the pouring rain and onto a waiting bus and then a few blocks to where a warm bed waited. yes, a bed. a perfect stranger gave up his bed for me (southern gentlemen do still exist, though in higher demand in the east coast).

if there is one thing i have learned- it's the trips that have flaws and complications that usually end up to be the most memorable. it's the trips were everything works out that i tend to question.

there's too much to write about what i've learned in dc. in short: friends can always be family, crying together is almost as good as laughing together, direct honesty is the best policy and taking a jump/leap of blind faith can always end well because at least you will have learned something about yourself.

we went to a church on sunday titled "national community church" (apparently it's kinda a big thing) and while reading my copy of "a thousand splendid suns" i came across their bulletin i've been using as a bookmark.

listed on the back of the bulletin are their "core values." usually this list includes words such as trinity, holy spirit, community or son of God. this list tends to deviate from the norm (as the church does - which is why i liked it). three of these sentences grabbed my attention. they are as follows:

1. expect the unexpected (obviously).
2. playing it safe is risky (advice i should take to heart concerning relationships).
3. everything is an experiment.

at times our heart knows more than our head can even process. and while the heart may be the hardest advisor to heed, it can also be the most correct.

now, if you'll excuse me i believe i have a date involving chinese food and a man named lincoln.

(p.s. "a thousand splendid suns" is another one of hosseini's great works. it'll make you cry, grimace and smile).

a ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for.
- john a. shedd

staying.

sometimes it's just as adventurous to stay as it is to leave.

i am the queen of leaving.

this is the girl who decided the week before returning for sophomore year of college that she wasn't going back. a few weeks later, i moved to san antonio. a few months after that, i moved back to plano then on to baylor.

i drove 10 hours one night to alabama because of a moment of indecision.

i've been all over the world. all over the country.
so now. i'm staying.

i'll be living with my parents for the next 6 months before i venture to the world of the great lakes (aka i'm moving to chicago in january to start grad school at northwestern). this is a moment for me. i don't like having to rely on anyone so it takes a lot to move back in with my parents, live under their roof and revert back to the life before college.

but i'll be ok.
mainly because i took that facebook quiz "what age do you really act?" and got the answer "12." good, my parents will have an adolescent in their home instead of a legal drinking age adult.

but now that i have stated i am staying. i have to leave.
for dc that is. for a week.
(because while i may be settling down for a bit - my wanderlust still has to be quenched).
don't worry. i'll update this blog more. mainly becaus i have no idea where i'm staying while i am on my "vacation" so hilarity/adventure will ensue. but also because lessons can occur where we least expect them and there's nothing more enjoyable than informing a large group of people about my mistakes/humble moments.

"in the South, the breeze blows softer...neighbors are friendlier, nosier, and more talkative. (by contrast with the Yankee, the Southerner never uses one word when ten or twenty will do)...this is a different place. our way of thinking is different, as are our ways of seeing, laughing, singing, eating, meeting and parting. our walk is different, as the old song goes, our talk and our names. nothing about us is quite the same as in the country to the north and west. what we carry in our memories is different too, and that may explain everything else."

- charles kuralt in "southerners: portrait of a people"

voices.

when a person dies - it's the sound of their voice that you miss the most.

it's the knowledge that you'll never hear them speak again. there are always photographs and stories but i never thought to pull out my recorder to capture the sound of their voice. that's the hardest.

death is the real heartbreaker. sure, heartbreak can occur when a relationship ends or you are misled, but it's different. even if you continue to love that person, there is still the hope that you'll run into them one day and can see them, feel them, hear them even if you can't be with them. then of course, you either move on or you don't. (chances are you fall in love again). but death - it takes something from you that cannot be replaced. you know that the person you loved is no longer breathing your same air or staring at your same sky.
they aren't here anymore.

my great-grandfather's voice sounded like coffee. a coffee drinkin' prophet.
it seemed like he had legs of iron - ironic because one was fake, a result of an overprotective mother cow. he was coffee in thin china cups, cowboy hats and long prayers. his hands were marked with age spots and he had the strongest grip. he died the day after i got back from spending three months as a camp counselor. i remember getting out of my sister's car at his funeral and not wanting to go into the church because i didn't like the dress i was wearing. i was a junior in college and about to cry because i didn't think i looked cute. then i realized i wasn't about to cry because of the dress. i didn't even care about the dress. i don't remember if i cried during his funeral. probably not, i tend not to cry, but i know i cried before and after in private. and although it's been two years, i still almost cry when i think of him.

my grandfather died this year. i miss the sound of his voice.
i have this intense fear that i'll forget how it sounded and i'll lose just another small piece of him.

i'll forget the noises he made with his cheeks when he got out of a chair or how he answered the phone "hell-O?" as if he was about to tell you a joke. i'll forget how he always offered to call MSU and have his 30 hours of college transferred over to me. how he could remember anyone's phone number and never wrote it down or his recaps of the news and the latest "married with children" rerun. i'm afraid i'll forget.

he was a blue pickup truck with me riding in the middle, megan on my other side. he was flintstone orange pop-ups at the gas station and trying not to bang my skinny kid knees whenever he changed gears. he was the leather workgloves in the truck's toolbox. the pecans littering the driveway collected by his granddaughters little gloved hands. the chair in the living room where he'd watch the world walk by his front door.

with my grandfather, i did get a small kind of goodbye. he was lying in a hospital bed with a tube down his throat. he looked so uncomfortable but also as if he had fallen asleep in his favorite chair with his mouth open. he pulled through that time. my grandmother wouldn't leave his side with fear in her eyes even though she was recuperating from knee surgery. i don't think i realized how much they loved each other until just then. my family tends to show their affection for each other with fighting and my grandparents had a lot of affection for each other.

but now, now i see real heartache in my grandmother's eyes. i look at her overwhelmed with depression and i catch a bit of it myself.
my heart has been wounded before and i've tasted my share of heartbreak. but every time i look at my grandmother- all i can think is, "that's real heartbreak. that's the kind of heartbreak where the man you lived with for more than half your life isn't lying beside you in bed anymore. you can't call him to tell him about your day or a story you know he'd like. he won't make you eggs for breakfast and you can pack the extra quilt that kept him warm at night."
it's the kind of heartbreak where you want to share something with the person who you've always shared things - but it's not possible.

how do you get over something like that?
the answer: you don't.

which is why death sucks.
plain and simple.
but every now and then i'll take a minute to recall their voices.
just so i won't forget.
because one day i'll have to describe them to my husband. my children. my great-grandchildren. i'll have to tell them about two of the most important men in my life they never got to meet.
until then, i might just use my recorder for other things then newspaper interviews.

lessons.

it's amazing how you can grow so much in just a few weeks.
how clarity can hit you and suddenly there's this tiny little glimmer of understanding. that "aha!" moment when you understand exactly the inner workings of yourself that didn't make sense but suddenly... suddenly you have such an insight into life and you smile that little smile to yourself of pure joy.

it's amazing how confusing we are to ourselves.

i've been getting antsy lately - ready for the next big adventure. but you see - this is my adventure. these nights alone when i go to sleep staring at my ceiling knowing that i am completely alone - that's an adventure. i don't even put a chair in front of the door anymore. the fear is fading - which means it's time for another adventure, more fear.

my life lessons occur daily. movies, lyrics, books, long drives. i search for these moments of clarity, insight into life. i devour these items on a quest for answers, the understanding that someone else has reached that i can learn. i want to learn from them and add their wisdom to my mental bookshelf.

some of these are just reminders. a movie will remind me of an important lesson i somehow forgot, a book will bring up a conversation where i had an eye-opening experience. but these lessons and reminders can happen in the least likely places.

i need something to remind me daily how strong i really am. how dreams are achievable, love is true and friendships are essential.
because if i had my way - i'd just be a hermit.

i can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself
- the weepies.

poppies.

we're all looking for a little romance in the world.

waiting with baited breath for a moment that sparkles and shines like lights on an abandoned street at night.

but i've started to realize that romance isn't all hearts and kisses and sighs. no, romance is so much more than that.
the definition of romance includes words such as "love" and "emotional" and "affair." but it can also mean:
"a strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something"
"a mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful."

the only part of that definition i don't like is "short-lived." this is mainly because i don't want romance in my life to be short-lived. i want to find fascination in the every day things like white linen, the perfect summer breeze, shorts that fit perfectly and a conversation with a good friend.

because i think romance can be found outside of a relationship between a man and a woman. i think mystery, fascination, enthusiasm can be found in life without the promise of a future relationship. i think romance can be found even when we're all alone.

romance is a field of poppies. finding a new bookstore. a painting you suddenly understand. a good quilt. the smell of a peach. the taste of cheesecake ice cream.

romance is also the unknown.
i have so many doors open to my future right now that i'm waiting for one of them to close, hoping that i'll pick the right doorknob to turn. but until then, until that moment of clarity.... i'll soak in the romance of it all. the romance of the unknown, fear and uncertainty.
it's all just so romantic.


"how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
- annie dillard

lyrics.

i didn't go to church this morning.

i woke up on time. ate my toast and orange. put on my makeup. picked out my dress. drove. parked in the parking lot. sat in my running car. then pulled out. drove home. washed off my makeup. took off my dress. and sat on my bed.

sometimes church isn't about a building.
sometimes all i need for church is words and music -two things that are such a major part of who i am. i think a lot of people don't understand that - that sometimes, a church building is the last thing a person needs and a quilt, open window and early morning air is perfect.

and so, my church consisted of my ipod and "sex God" the latest book i'm reading.
a really good book, mind you.

i won't go into the semantics as to why i didn't go to church - that would be a rather long blog concerning friends, connections, moving, etc. instead, i'll just tell you about my church service with relient k.

the thing about music is that i really feel it brings you closer to God. no matter if the song is intended to be "christian" or not - it can be spiritual.
the thing about relient k is, sometimes i'm not sure what the meaning of their songs are but i think what matters is what a song means to you more than what it meant to the writer.

which is why i'm not going to explain what these songs mean to me or even give you my favorite lines - no, you'll have to determine what they mean to you without my influence.

"there was no thief"
"let it all out"
"who i am hates who i've been"

diving.

i've started a blog.
yes.
the day has finally come.

there isn't much to write. a recent college grad, i sit on my couch turned bed, watching a chick flick while listening to my washing machine churn my clothes clean.

i'm at a crossroads right now. and i don't mean britney spears "crossroads" complete with sun and songs. no, this crossroads involves moving, jobs and the heart. that's the thing about being a college graduate not attending graduate school til january - a freedom that seems both exhilarating and frightening.

i love it when you put something in the oven completely unsure how it will turn out. this is usually how i cook. it's an endless adventure that reaches its peak as you suddenly catch a whiff of the smell emitting from the oven. ah. at least it smells good. tonight's creation involves tilapia, spinach, mushrooms and asparagus. cooking is just one of the recent joys i've rediscovered in my recent days of freedom.

another is reading. fill-ins. dvr. phone calls. sleep. the possibilities are endless.

but while the freedom is enjoyable - it's also unnerving. i don't know how to not be busy. i'm used to full schedules, every second filled, a to-do list for every day. not that i still don't have things to do - like look for scholarships, finish organizing my itunes and learning how to run. but it's different. i'm alone. no room mate. no close friends. no lulabelle.

i'm learning how to be alone. and that's scary.
but mainly, it's boring.
there are things that are enjoyable about not having a room mate - such as the shedding of clothes, but then there are times when being alone isn't fun - such as when the cable isn't working or critters have invaded your room.

right now, i'm just being. sitting. breathing. reading. enjoying. thinking.
thinking about the future, tomorrow, the next day, a month from now.
no plans means plenty of time to make plans.

if only someone could hand me a fortune cookie that says "choose this path, brianna! it'll bring you the most happiness!"

because we all know i am an expert at making bad choices.

"when someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision." - the alchemist.