success.

i cleaned out another desk this week.

i've got it down to a science - remove all papers, recycle, neatly order office supplies, clean all files off computer, email all appropriate people to tell of the change, wave goodbye and walk away.

i ended my internship at NPR.
it sounds like a crazy idea. here i am, an aspiring journalist, and i just turned down one of the greatest career moves i have had so far. yes, i left.

why, you ask?

well, exhaustion and the knowledge that what i do should not define who i am.
i've always been a hard worker, working two jobs if able and thriving off a packed schedule.
that changes this week.

it all depends on how you define success. i've always believed achieving happiness is the best kind of success and i'm afraid that if i don't chase happiness right now then my future life might become defined by a substantial paycheck combined with long hours.
i'd rather have wrinkles from laughter than from frowning at a computer screen. i'd rather lose sleep because i spent the night laughing with a friend rather than working through the night. i want to remain focused on my goal - a fulfilled life. i'd rather watch a sunset than sit at a desk.

i'm not taking a step away from my ambition. oh no, writing is what i love and it is what i will do even if it has to be in secret journals hidden in the back of closets that no one will ever read. i will continue to chase my dreams, but i will do it without the lack of sleep and the loss of hair. i will do it on my own terms making sure that i live life much more than i work.

i live in a city where what you do defines who you are. the idea that i do not have anything to define me throws me into a sort of limbo. perhaps it's time for something else to define me besides my work. i find the idea of one part of my personality, one single word becoming a definition of who i am to be incredibly limited.

a sixty hour work week is possible, but it is not enjoyable and it is not healthy.
so i made a hard decision and decided that while the internship with NPR was great - perhaps it was not ideal for me at this moment. fortunately, leaving the internship does not mean that i take on the life of a vagabond, no, i'll continue working almost 40 hours a week at the coffee shop and will spend my extra time learning the best way possible - through living, reading and discussion. oh yes, experience is the best teacher.

soon these dark circles under my eyes will disappear and i won't fall asleep in movies. i can spend extra time with my room mates and friends or exploring this great city before i move away.

it was a difficult decision. you're probably still questioning my sanity.

but if there is one thing that i have learned throughout this course of life - you have to listen to your heart. and once you do, you cannot regret but have to continue stumbling through life with the best intentions and often the greatest foul-ups.

i've made the right decision this time.

love to all.

"they say you're really not somebody - until somebody else loves you."