falling.

i'm in love.

and i know it'll only end in heartbreak.

sigh.

what's a girl to do?

she feels herself slowly falling deeper and deeper. she wants to settle in, pull the love over her like a warm, knit blanket and snuggle up to her newest found obsession. but she can't. she knows that soon she'll be leaving and her lover and her will be separated for an unknown period of time (at least a year).

long distance won't work. they can't chat via phone or web cam, she would have to do all the visiting in the relationship and cheating is always possible.

and what if she leaves, and falls in love with someone new?

it would be a different kind of love but it would be love. she would still harbor feelings for her old flame, never quite able to cut the connection but still moving forward in life.

so hesitation sets in, a sick feeling in the stomach knowing that you can't stop the free fall that is beginning to occur.

i guess - i'm ready to settle down.

i'm falling in love with washington d.c. and it's refusing to return my phone calls because it knows i'm leaving in just a few months.

instead, it drops subtle hints. makes references to a future it knows i cannot promise myself to and other girls names are showing up on its caller id.

heartbreak.

pure and simple.

the nomad life is wearing on me and the idea of consistency is becoming appealing.

a home, a neighborhood, friends, plans, neighbors who know your name, favorite restaurants, traditions, all are within my reach.

one day.

and while i know i'll return to this city one day, (don't ask why, i just know) i know that i'll miss it while i am away. it makes this romance bittersweet but even that more special. it reminds me to savor the little moments and enjoy the glitter of it all.

but that's the thing about love - there's always a chance that it's a fleeting emotion. you know it can come and go any day and the other might not return your affection. there will be heartbreak at the end (if it does end) but the heartbreak is worth it for all the shining moments before.

and if we aren't able to fall in love now, who says we'll ever be able to stay in love?

rooftops.

my rooftop is a place of peace. here is where i retreat whenever i feel overwhelmed. whenever i question my sanity as to my recent move or become overwhelmed at the idea of my unemployment – whenever i begin to question who i am or who i’m becoming – i go to very top and survey the sky.

i watch as the sun sets and the lights on capitol hill begin to brighten the night sky. i can see the Washington monument’s blinking red lights warning off approaching planes. to my eyes, these lights become the eyes of a friendly monster who wishes a plane would venture close enough to become a tasty snack. i’m not quite sure how our leaders would feel about their precious mason stone tower being referred to as a monster, but i think ol’ george would smile at the idea.

sometimes i want to stand on the very corner of my roof and blow millions and millions of kisses to the city below. i believe this city could use a little bit more of love and i think even just the tiniest amount of goodness i send from my rooftop are felt by the tenderest of hearts below.

i’m lonely.

a rather silly statement if you consider the fact that i live with two of my best friends. but if there is one thing i have learned recently it’s this: i am not a loner. i need my alone time as much as others and have often been called a loner but - i desperately need people.

desperately.

i need to talk to them, learn from them, eat with them, laugh with them, whatever. i desire interaction. mollie says i can make friends with anyone but i am quick to remind her these are usually just friendly chats with cashiers or bus drivers – not lasting friendships. i’m finally beginning to realize how much we all need each other (could be because i’ve been reading “eat, pray, love”). i hate to use that word “community” (it has become cliché and overused) but there is nothing i desire more than a dinner table piled with food and even larger amounts of conversation.

all i know is – it’s completely possible to be surrounded by millions of people and feel completely alone.

not that loneliness is a bad thing. it’s something i have to get used to considering the fact that i’ll be moving to a city full of complete strangers very soon. so i try to embrace it. i invite loneliness out to lunch, let it snuggle with me in bed, even offer to split my smoothie with it. loneliness and i will become friends. isn’t it amusing how closely the words fiends and friends are related?

the funny thing is – i’ve always prided myself on how independent i am. i don’t let many people close. not only is this approach safer but with the nomad life i’ve chosen it’s the “best” direction. but now that i need this so-called strength… i have no desire for it.

megs told me that for someone who says she's completely honest - i'm not completely honest. so i attempt honesty. i open my heart just a crack to say this statement which shows a weakness i don't like to admit.

now i realize that it’s much braver to admit that i need you. and yes, you need me.